The Road to Trust and Friendship

This post on Sue's blog got me thinking...

For most of my life, I have had the opposite problem. I have not been trusting enough. I have always trusted people to an extent, but never in the way it counts the most. I have not always trusted people enough to be me, to open up to them as a person. I've always had an inner fear about such a level of trust.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am "different". I have physical challenges. These challenges have presented many roadblocks in life that I have had to overcome, and I have done so because I never wanted to feel sorry for myself, or live my life as if I was "disabled"...disabled implies UNable, and unable is something I'm certainly not. I don't see myself that way, and I've never wanted others to.

And therein lies the problem. Now, I have had a wonderful life, and have been treated well for the most part. Nevertheless, I felt the sting of nastiness growing up...kids looking at me funny in the store, being deserted on the playground, or in one incident in 6th grade I will never forget, being labeled as a cripple by two girls who thought it was hilarious. (Stuck up bitches...It's the truth).

Whether it was rational of me or not, I always had these thoughts in the back of my head....Did people laugh behind my back? Were people calling me cripple when I wasn't around? Were people only nice to me because they felt "sorry" for me? Looking back, I'm sure most of the concerns were unfounded, but as a 5, 10, or 15 year old, I wondered.

I was a kid with many acquaintences, but few people if any who I would call "friends". I kept to myself, I did not get involved. I went to school, came home and that was it. No movies, parties, football or basketball games. I was too suspicious of people, and what their true feelings were about me. It got better over the years, but for the most part, to the majority of people, I was closed and guarded. They knew me, but they did not KNOW me, were not close to me....I wouldn't allow it.

By Senior year in high school, I kind of turned a corner. I got involved in student council, which I had always wanted to do. I finally had something I loved to do, I was involved. I had a group of people that were friends, and I finally trusted that those were good people and I could open up more---and I did.

So I came to BSU, and I got in the Senate game. I met great people right away, both inside and out of that group...fantastic people. But I think I dug myself in the same hole I had before. The first year, I only really opened up to 2 or so people, and I think it was due to my unfounded fears...the same fear of opening up and trusting people that I'd had as a kid.

I was told, on more than one occasion, that I appeared to be aloof, too serious. In one of these conversations, one of these few who I HAD opened up to asked me if I had ever told anyone anything about my life other than what I did in the office. Of course, I really hadn't and was in denial...I was scared to admit that for the most part, I had been just as personally closed off with these people as I had been with most of the kids in school back home.

Last spring, things changed. Part of it was a conscious choice on my part to open up and not be so closed off. Part of it was the mix of people I had around me (I hope they know who they are if they are reading by chance)....a lot of things just came together that made me happier, better. I developed a closeness and trust with people that I'd never had...some were people I'd resisted because I thought they were so opposite of me, only to discover more recently that they really aren't. Others brought out my "inner goofball", and many were in between.

It's taken me 20 years, but I now know how rewarding and important a true, deep, and personal sense of trust can be. And I realize the people I can and do share it with have been here all all along. I just didn't see it or took it for granted.

Trust and love your friends. Be open and honest, and treat them well. It will make their day, and they will return the favor. Don't wait as long as I did to realize what (and who) matters!


To all my friends: I LOVE YOU GUYS! ROCK ON!!!